MILO names Gary V. as new endorser

MANILA, Philippines – A new endorser has arrived.

After running a viral video for several days regarding so-called “energy gap,” Nestle’s chocolate drink brand MILO has finally chosen Gary Valenciano, popularly known as Gary V., to be their new product ambassador starting this 2017.

Reasons for picking

MILO, in their statement, expressed the reason for picking Mr. Pure Energy as the new endorser.

“Although we have chosen James Reid to endorse this for popularity purposes, and although this had tickled the ears of many people, we thought that the video still lacked appeal.”

“We had chosen him as temporary endorser while we are looking for the perfect one. And we think God had answered our prayers.”

“Gary Valenciano, for so many years, has lived up to the very nickname bestowed on him, that is, Mr. Pure Energy. We have watched various videos of his performances, and we have not seen yet any instance of his tiredness or dizziness.”

“At first, we have considered Sarah (Geronimo), but an information has reached that if she does not take a medicine full of iron, she would look tired and pale. Meanwhile, even if Gary V. had not yet taken the medicine, his energy would be limitless.”

“There’s one instance of his video that amuses us:”

“He is a perfect example of a person without energy gap.”

“If he can beat energy gap, so can we!”

Energetic yet surprised

Gary Valenciano stated that he was flattered when he was being picked up as the new endorser of a chocolate drink brand.

“Actually, I was surprised. What were my credentials that would be the reason to pick me as their ambassador? Surely, I do not like sweets due to (health reasons).”

“My motto is simple, and Kuya Germs (German Moreno) was my inspiration for this. Kung si Kuya Germs, ang sinabi niya ayWalang tulugan’, sa akin naman ehWalang ayawan,’ lalo’t pag di pa tapos ang tugtugan.” (If Kuya Germs’ line is ‘Don’t sleep,’ mine is ‘Don’t stop,’ especially if the song’s not yet finished.)

Si James Reid ang nag-refer sa akin sa MILO dahil baka nakikita niya na magaling akong sumayaw. Sinabi niya sa akin kung bakit hindi ako sumali, eh fit na fit ang role ko sa ine-endorse niya.” (James Reid referred me to MILO maybe because he sees me that I am great in dancing. He told me why not join there, while my role fits that of what he endorses.)

Sabi pa nga sa kanta ko, ‘Hataw na! Huwag kang mapagod…’ At palagay ko nai-apply ko ito sa aking sarili.” (My song has these lyrics, ‘Groove now! Don’t feel tired…’ And I think I am applying this to myself.”)

New role

As of press time, Mr. Pure Energy is formulating another dance craze. He told, “This dance will help our kids become more energized.”

According to inside sources, Gary V. never showed signs of exhaustion even if he crafted the dance for straight seven hours.

Further luck, success

Nestle in its separate statement, commented on what will happen on the cast and crew of the upcoming video, “We predict that while the shooting is going on, one by one, many of our staff and our dancers will get tired of dancing. However, Gary V. will still dance. This is based on our assumption that the shooting will cover many takes and cuts.”

The firm further added, “We are pleased to work with Gary Valenciano. We wish him success in his upcoming video and we’re pretty sure that this will be a hit after that of James Reid.”


WARNING: This article is a joke, is intended to be read for enjoyment, is intended for fun, and this should not be read seriously. TweetNewscaster is not responsible for any loss or injury associated in believing that this article is very real.

Batangas town builds chicken monument after laying egg statue

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Photo of egg and chicken monuments, both located at San Jose, Batangas.

SAN JOSE, Batangas, Philippines – “Which comes first, egg or chicken?”

The search for the correct response to the endless query had been resolved by the erection of a chicken monument at the town of San Jose in Batangas province. The statue was built as a testimonial to the chickens who provided much of the needed eggs in the town that qualified the latter to be the leading producer of eggs in the country.

Comments from some netizens revealed that the egg was placed near the hospital, while the chicken was installed near funeral parlors, firing their thinking that the egg was being laid in the hospital, while the chicken, being full-grown, would look like as if it is going to be slaughtered.

Laying the monument

A local official of San Jose who refused to reveal his name had something to share regarding the erection of the statue:

Tuwi nang mapapasinsay ako sa bayan, laging tinatanong sa akin ng mga dayo, ‘Pagkagaganda naman naréng itlog. Ay nasaan ga ang manok? Nangingitlog pa ga?’ Lagi kong sinasabi na nakawala laang iyon. Pagka nagtanong ang Mamay, lagi kong sinasabi na inaalagaan namin iyon.”

(Everytime I pass through the town proper, those strangers always ask me, “How beautiful is that egg. Where’s the chicken? Is it still laying?” I always tell that it had escaped. Everytime this question is asked by our grandfather, I always tell that we take care of it.)

Pinagbigyé natin ang hiling nila. Kaya nagpatayo na tayo ng gay-ang kalaking istatwa nito lang Setyembre o Oktubre. Ala, ay tuwang-tuwa ang mga tawo diné pagkakita niyaan.”

(We had granted their wish. So we built that huge statue this September or October. The people were full of joy when they saw that.)

The official further explained that for many years, San Jose, Batangas was dubbed as the “Egg Basket of the Philippines,” and as such, an egg monument was placed to signify the role of the town as the main source of egg production for the country. However, no monument for the chickens was installed at the town despite the fact that the broilers have contributed a big role for the eggs industry.

Cracking the answer

The monument had egged the netizens to give their best answers:

Nauna ang itlog. Yun ang unang nakatayo. Ngay-on laang natapos yung manok eh.

(The egg comes first. This was first erected [in that town]. The chicken [monument] was recently built.)

Diné po sa amin ay una ang manok, sapagkat sa tuwing magluluto ako ng pagkain, pag may itlog at manok, ang unang kinukuha ng mga anak ko ay manok, kaya una po ang manok.

(Here in our place, chicken comes first. It is because everytime I cook our food, if there were egg and chicken, the first one my sons would pick would be the latter. Therefore, the chicken comes first.)

Ala, hoy naman, kung ang sagot ay dipende sa tanong, eh itlog ang una. Pero kung sa tama ay palagay ko ay manuk. Papaano ga magkakaitlog kung walang manok. Ay, naku, sa tagal ko nang magmamanuk ako ga ay mauuto pa?

(Hey, if the answer depends on the question, egg comes first. But I think chicken is the right answer. How would the eggs exist if there’s no chicken. Oh, my, will they fool me when I am raising chickens for so long?)

Ay siya, hinahon laang, mga irog at paggulungin ko pariyan sa San Jose ang magic itlog. Pihadong balahibuhin na aré pag nakarating diyaan! Hehehe.

(Well, relax, darlings, and I will roll the magic egg down there to San Jose. Surely it will be feathery when it goes there! Hehehe.)

A fellow netizen had finally guessed the answer to the never-ending question:

“Ala’y diné sa amén sa San Jose ay depende kung saan ka magmumula. Pagka galing kang Batangas, ay MANOK. Pagka galing Lipa naman, ay di ITLOG.

Wari ko nama’y!”

(Here in our town in San Jose, it depends where you start your travel. If you’re from Batangas City, the answer is CHICKEN. But if you’re from Lipa City, the answer is EGG.

I guess so!)

To secure the correct answer, another netizen suggested:

“Bantayan mo ang dalwang aré at baka magpalit, ay malilito ang papanhik ng San Jose.”

(Guard these two monuments for they might swap positions. People going to San Jose might be confused if this happens.)

To which the page replied:

“Karibok iyan kapag nagpalit.”

(There might be trouble if they swapped positions.)

And for those who can’t get over to the question:

“Siguro kailangan ang referendum sa San Jose para malutas ang issue sa pagitan ng itlog at manok.”

(Maybe referendum is needed in San Jose to solve the issue between the chicken and egg.)

“Sabi na nga na depende kung saan kayo nanggaling eh. Pagkakulit niyo din nga eh. Tawarin naman kayo.”

(It is already told that the answer depends on where you start travelling. You’re way too insistent. May God forgive you.)

Hatching reactions

The laying of the chicken monument had not only tickled the various answers on the chicken-or-egg question, but also reminds them of everyday life with the chickens in Batangas.

Their reactions follow:

A: Wag na ninyong pagtalunan ang manok at itlog kasi diné sa dapdapan, mas nauna ang bibe kisa manok.

B: ‘Yaan mo na…, mapapalo iyang mga iyan ng mamay.

(A: Don’t argue over chicken and egg because here in the Indian coral tree, the duck comes first and not the chicken.

B: Don’t mind them,… they will be beaten by Grandpa.)

“Lasa ko naman eh ako’y liyo na, at lasa ko’y patas ang laban diné. Pero ako’y hanga eh. Ay pagkakalaki ng itlog at manok diyaan. Ay pihong mangangailangan ako ng malaki-laking kawa at ang Tatay Igme ay gutom na! Hahahaha :P”

(I feel dizzy, and I feel that they both won here. But I am amazed. The chicken and the egg are so huge. Surely I will need a very big pan for Father Igme is hungry now. Hahahaha. 😛 )

“Di ga’y merong 45 days na tinatawag? Baka iyan ay 365 days na manok eh pagkakalaki eh. Di na yata pellets pakain diyan, baka isang sakong bigas ay kawawa ang kaka.”

(There are 45-day chickens, aren’t they? That might be the 365-day chicken for that is huge. Pellets might not be feeded for the chicken, instead they are feeded with rice grains. Pity the aunt/uncle. )

Since the play between the chicken and egg in the town would be discussed especially in public and private schools, another commented:

“Pag may dyaryo ang mga iyan, ang nameplate dapat ay ANG ITLOG. Hahaha. O pag may English campus paper, eh THE EGG”

(If they have their campus paper, the nameplate of the schoolpaper should be THE EGG.)

Another had told that the chicken in San Jose must be related to the one seen in Magallanes near EDSA:

Huwag pipiho kasi pag diné galing Maynila eh aré ang makikita mo sa Magallanes… Hahahaha

(Don’t be so sure because if you’re coming from Manila, this is what you will see in Magallanes. Hahahaha.)

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To which the page replied:

…. Andiné pa din ang Egg Basket of the Philippines. 🙂 Baka iya’y nakawala laang sa mamay nuon.

(The Egg Basket of the Philippines is still here. 🙂 It might be the one escaped from grandfather’s coop in the past.)


WARNING: This article is a joke, is intended to be read for enjoyment, is intended for fun, and this should not be read seriously. TweetNewscaster is not responsible for any loss or injury associated in believing that this article is very real.

Love Advice No. 61

From e-mail:

Hi. Ask ko po what if si ex nakikipagbalikan ulit? Dapat ko pa ba siyang bigyan ng chance kahit na twice na niya akong niloko at iniwan for other girls?

My Advice:

Dapat mo siyang bigyan ng chance.

Kaya lang, bibigyan mo lang siya ng chance para patunayan na deserving siya sa ikatlo mong pagkakataon. Saka mo pa lang siya bibigyan ng chance, this time, para maging isang mabuting boyfriend para sa iyo.

Ano ang ibig sabihin nito? Kailangan niyang patunayan na karapat-dapat siya na maging boyfriend mo. Hindi naman kasi puwede na basta-basta na lang siyang makikipagbalikan matapos ka niyang lokohin at iwanan. Ano ito, iniwan ka niya nang pak na pak, tapos babalik sa iyo nang ganern ganern na lang? Walang ganern. 😡

The mere fact na nakipagbalikan ulit siya sa iyo ay nangangahulugang may problema siya pagdating sa pag-handle sa inyong relationship. Kasi, ang problema sa kanya, hindi niya kayang panindigan ang pagmamahal niya sa iyo. Na kaunting ihip lang ng hangin, bibigay na agad sa iba. Naku, walang magtatagal sa kanya kung ganyan ang ugali niya.

Hindi rin puwedeng basta-basta na lang siya makikipagbalikan sa iyo.

Bakit?

Tatanungin kita: Ilang balde ba ng luha mo ang iyong nahahakot? Ngayon, kung basta-basta na lang siyang makikipagbalikan sa iyo, at sakaling iwanan ka niya the third time, iiyak ka na naman. Hanggang sa tuluyan nang madurog ang puso mo.

This time, dito mo na makikita kung gaano siya kaseryoso sa paghandle sa relationship ninyong dalawa. Dito mo rin makikita kung nagsasabi siya ng totoo o hindi. At sa ganitong paraan matutunan niya ang halaga mo bilang kanyang girlfriend.

Sass starts sequel for online dare

Photo of Ms. Sass Sasot from her official Facebook page.

THE HAGUE, The Netherlands – The price is right.

After starting an online dare on her password, Sass Rogando Sasot is now exploring on an online dare regarding the payment she received.

Sass has received comments from other netizens, saying that she was allegedly paid to defend President Rodrigo Duterte. These continuous accusations had not escaped the blogger’s notice. As a response to these accusations, and to avoid repeated and pointless defenses, she started another online dare.

Mechanics

Her second online dare is simple. Anyone, especially her accusers, must know how much she received and must secure proofs. Reward for those who can get the answer will be a blessing for the winner.

According to Sass:

May pa-contest po ako sa mga patuloy pa rin na nagsasabi na ako ay bayaran. Hulaan niyo po with evidence:

  1. Kung magkano exactly ang bayad sa akin

  2. Sino ang nagbayad

(I have a contest for those who continuously say that I am paid to defend the president. Guess the following with evidence:

  1. How much exactly was being paid to me.

  2. Who paid me?)

Exact amount, anyone?

In an interview, Sass had wondered if her accusers can still guess the exact amount. “Hindi nga nila mahulaan ang aking password kahit na gumamit sila ng iba’t ibang keyboard, ito pa kaya?” (They can’t even guess my password despite using various keyboards. How much more for this online dare?)

“These numbers are imaginary, tulad na lang ng nasa isip nila. Ang pagiging bayaran ay nasa isip lang nila. Wala pong katotohanang iyan. Bakit, namumulubi ba ako? Hindi naman, ah.” (These numbers are imaginary, like their perception. Being paid to do something is just on their mind. That’s not true. Why, do I beg for help? Not necessarily.)

Sa tindi ng pang-aakusa sa akin, kailangan nila itong patunayan. Kung tama sila, eh di wow! Sila nga ang magaling.” (With grave accusations against me, they have the burden to prove it. If they are right, then wow! They’re just great.)

Too irritating

Sass had told that she was being irritated by those who assume that she was being paid to do the work. When asked for the amount, she neither confirmed nor denied the amount being given to him. For her, at least, God knows the exact amount.

Kung mahulaan niyo po iyan, ang prize ay ang buong amount na binayad sa akin. Paki-email po sa akin ang sagot sa politicalsass@protonmail.com

(If you can guess it, the prize would be the whole amount being paid to me. Just e-mail the answer at politicalsass@protonmail.com)

“This will show if they have the desire to process their minds or not.”

Mind games

Sass further stated that this game will help those who challenge him to have critical minds, to guess the answer more precisely, and to have an intelligent guess on the exact amount of money supposedly paid to her.

When asked for another final response, she told the netizens, “And just like in any contest, the more entries you send, the more chances of winning.”


WARNING: This article is a joke, is intended to be read for enjoyment, is intended for fun, and this should not be read seriously. TweetNewscaster is not responsible for any loss or injury associated in believing that this article is very real.