Love Advice No. 68

In our past love advices, it is my original aim to reach out to many people as possible, since love can strike anyone regardless of race or nationality. Actually, the ultimate aim in giving love advice to this site is to give justice to those who are experiencing anguish and suffering when it comes to romantic love.

For the first time in this site, I will give Love Advice in the English language. This is a tribute and the author’s way of saying ‘thank you’ for those who like some articles under this category, who are mostly non-Filipinos. As I see that they might not yet understood my style and strategy in handling love problems like these for the past three years,  this article will be for the benefit of those who understand English, especially for non-Filipinos. Okay, let’s start!


From a comment in Daming Alam’s Facebook page:

Hello everybody im from grade 7 . Im inlove with grade 10 omayghad he’s handsome. When i first see him my eyes become bigger and my heart is beating so past. He’s have a feeling for me. Suddenly we have a conversation and he say he like me to. And i am omayghad were finally dating on public places with holding hands while walked.

We eated lunch together at 711 (7-Eleven). The food is so yummy but i cant eat very well because he is looking at me. Im so happy because im tell my mom all of this. Im studying very well and he too.

But im so sad im shocking because she suddenly grab my hair and pushing and pull it. Sabunot in tagalog im crying a lot and we decided to brake up. But i still love him. For you please [wait] for me to graduate my study. I love u to very much.

(Author’s note: “Sabunot” in Tagalog actually means pulling one’s hair, especially when a person pulling has deep, intense hatred toward the other person.)

My Advice:

Finish your studies first.

You’ll have to focus on your future, even if not with him this time. Investing in your future during your high school days – by studying – helps you grow as a person, and helps you find the one who can lead you to a brighter future (that will benefit you).

While you are focusing first on more important matters, like excelling in academics, you can use this time to evaluate your personality and that of your future partner. This is also a good time to form proper habits when dealing with the opposite sex, to learn what is right and wrong, and to set achievable standards when picking for your true love.

What do I mean? You have to ask yourself so many times these questions:

  1. Why do I like this guy?
  2. Why do I love him?
  3. Would our future be brighter or darker if we continue our relationship?
  4. Do I really love him?
  5. Will my love for him last forever? (Or, would my love today be still my love even if five or ten years will pass?)
  6. Are we ready to face many trials and challenges if we are together?
  7. Am I making sure that I am not pushing myself to him too hard? (This might tell you if he is really flirting with you or not.)

More than just physical

You say that you are in love because he is so handsome.

But is being handsome the true measure of love?

In other words, are you really in love?

The answer is no.

Let’s admit it. At the first time we met our opposite sex, and see their good-looking physical attributes, such as being beautiful/handsome and having beautiful hair, six-pack abs, slim waist, and muscular arms, we feel that we are in love. Since our eyes sees these things, your eyes become bigger and it pushes your heart to beat so fast. This is typical of many high school students, and the author is not exempted when it comes to these things.

However, true love must not stop there, for the eyes does not look only on these physical attributes, but also his/her whole personality. You should had look further on his personality, his thoughts, his attitudes, and all the things that make up that guy you see today.

This is aside from the fact that there’s no such thing as “(true) love at first sight”, but you can have a crush, or an admiration, towards him at first sight. You can be attracted to that person in an instant. However, love is not being developed in an instant.

Ignorance isn’t good

However, you were surprised when some girl had suddenly pulled your hair. Actually, she is his girlfriend.

Is her act justifiable? No, even if in the first place, you engage in a relationship with him. However, your ignorance is not really an excuse in this case.

Ignorance is not a bliss when it comes to these things. The reason is that someday, ignorance can lead you to disastrous consequences. If that girl, who maybe had existing relationship with that guy, can give you trauma by pulling your hair, how much more if you are in an uncomfortable situation? You might end up mauling each other, filing each other a case in court, or worse be killed by that girl.

It is ignorance also that hurts you more. If you had known beforehand that he is in a relationship with the other gal, you might get hurt too – at first – but later on you will not feel the extreme hurt. However, you had not obtained the opportunity to find out his real score. As a result, you only knew recently that relationship only when your hair had been pulled. Not only you had been hurt physically, but also emotionally.

This situation should serve a lesson for you. You should have known first who he is, especially in some cases where some girls like you would not verify his personality. He may have been an addict, a drunkard, a gambler, or a man who has responsibilities for his family.

Even the night changes

This is just a puppy love. What does this means? Simply put, it is just a childish love, the type experienced by most teens like you.

Does this mean that this kind of love will fade? Sadly, and most of the time, yes. Why?

Let me share with you my past experience. (Let’s call her Crush # 1.) At the start of my first year in high school (Grade 7), I had once came with a thought of marrying a girl, even if I knew that this would require enormous task on my part. This includes travelling around 100 kilometers (62.5 miles) to be with her. At that time, I am thinking that having a crush on her means that I am also in love with her. I had gone too far to the point of thinking a future together with her, when in fact she did not even know me personally.

Now, ten years after thinking of these things, I came to the point that it is no use anymore to think of future together with her. Fate did not provide time and opportunity to be with her, and in fact, she is already in a relationship. Meanwhile, I had also other important concerns over my personal life.

I am illustrating to you my experience in high school so that you will learn even a bit of lesson from me. This hopes that you will reflect if you really love him, or it is just a fleeting expression of your emotion.

It is to be noted that there are many changes happening within us even in a short span of time. Say for example, your crush for now would not be your crush five or ten years from now.

Actually, as I scanned the picture of my crush (Crush # 2) last time, questions popped into my mind: If that is her picture during her high school days, who was her crush then? Now that I see her personally, who is her crush now? Did she thought of that guy who is with her now at the time she was in high school?

Yes, there will come a time that some years later, you will also think of these kind of questions like I did.

Brain-heart balance

Essentially, we have to love using our hearts, like what you said, “my eyes become bigger and my heart is beating so past”. That is true, especially for us high school students who will love and be loved for the first time. I understand this reasoning, since I had been there. However, while we are going to love, we don’t have to be contented by using our eyes and hearts. We must also use our brain. We have to think, and think, and think.

Why do I have to repeat ‘think’? Because most of the time, we cannot control our emotions. This helps us to see if the guy or the gal we spend our love with will be all worth our hardships, emotions, efforts, and tears in loving the opposite sex.

Thank you for sharing with us your experience. Even if you did not really seek help and love advice from me, somehow your experience will help other people to learn more from you. This will help many young people to know more about themselves and to think deeply before getting into a relationship. And this will save them from so much pain and suffering as a consequence of their incorrect decisions.

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