This article is one of the tributes from the author – as part of giving thanks to our fellow readers in liking, believing, and sharing this site.
The “Love Advice No. 10” talks more on the most sensitive issue – so far – regarding courtship in the Philippines. The main theme revolves more on the girl as the shy type, which traces its roots in the Spanish times. In the past, the Spaniards had taught that girls must be timid especially when it comes to courting. This is attributed to highly conservative values imposed by the Catholic Church at that time, exemplified in Rizal’s two novels. Despite the passage of time, and despite gradual assertiveness seen among the Filipina women, that custom survived up to the present day.
Why did the author publish the article, considering that it is a very sensitive topic? Simple reason: It is a lousy system. The author has called for its weakness as early as the first article in this site was written.
I believe that this topic also deserves recognition by our fellow bloggers and by all people out there. This has not been seriously discussed even by our famous love advisers here, even if this stupid system has attributed itself to the reasons behind hurt feelings between a girl and a boy.
To summarize what the author intends to share in this article, it had noted how lousy the system is. Seriously. The system of courtship does not reflect the courageousness of a Filipina, and does not consider the Filipinos’ avoidance of risks. The system has also resulted to unnecessary pain, especially to the girls who also wanted to be loved by the guys they choose. While it does not intend that girls must be aggressive, the article wants to give some leeway for a smooth relationship between the lovers. Okay, let’s start!
An excerpt from the song “Pangarap Lang Kita” (You’re Just A Dream) reads as follows:
It’s difficult to become a woman
If a man is shy,
Even if you want to say something, you can’t
What can be noticed in these lyrics? At present, the gal is supposed not to tell her feelings to that guy.
Gag Order Is An “Obstacle”
Question: What if the gal won’t speak, and that guy is shy?
Nothing will happen if the gal would not tell her feelings to the guy. She would not find a man who would take her seriously. Worse, it’s possible that she will become a spinster.
It’s difficult if the gal won’t speak up. If that’s the case, added with the guy’s shyness, then both of them will get hurt. The guy and the gal would not know yet if their hearts will meet or not. In short, Love Mismatch happens in this case.
The problem with this kind of culture is that it does not consider the Filipino’s attitude of being risk-averse. The guy finds it difficult to determine if he is being liked by the girl or not. So, we cannot blame why guys are shy, or they court as if they are gambling in a casino, just like this guy who is very confused:
So I love her… Should I court her or not? I am afraid to be rejected and be given false hopes: for short, I want to be reassured. ADVICE PLEASE!
We will discuss this problem in the next love advice. I will ask you: Will you risk for a prospect if you’re not sure if this will happen? Same goes when courting. Since guys never know if they are really loved by their gals, they must not be blamed for their shyness.
Because the guy does not know who is the gal’s love interest (due to “gag order” served to her), if he courts a woman, that’s not technically a courtship. That is purely gamble.
This system is very difficult. Why? If the gal will not speak up, many opportunities for love will be wasted. Yes, things wasted or money wasted may be replaced, but if love is wasted, most likely it will not be replaced anymore.
Before you read further, please fill-up the following:
What’s the Problem?
To clarify further the problem on courtships, let’s take a look at the gal’s problem:
I am afraid to approach him. It’s because people might criticize me.
In a post in Papa Jack Advice Facebook Page, another gal is also afraid to ask another guy:
Papa Jack, I love my bestfriend for more than just a friend. What hurts me more is that he makes me feel that he loves me and he makes me feel that I am an important person for him. But why? I don’t understand our status. Because, it is awkward if the girl will ask about their status, isn’t it? But he left for the seminary, and he told me that after five years, he will tell something to me, and we won’t have to text till five years. Should I wait for him?
Tips for Gals
Question: What might be the best option for the girls to show their feelings to a guy?
It’s easy. Here are the tips:
- Make your presence felt to him. Make him feel that you are always there for him. Guide him no matter what happens to both of you. A love adviser had told that if you care for him now, you should be more caring for him next time. Yes, even if you won’t tell him that you love him, he may “get” the message.
- Show genuine concern and acceptance for him. It is important for guys to feel that they are appreciated. And yes, the guy will appreciate more if he is accepted by the gal regardless of his looks or personality.
- Ask him. Why should you do that? Because this will be the starting point for you to talk with him and know each other. You can do this if you still feel the awkwardness of telling your feelings to him. I’ll give you examples:
- What is your favorite food?
- What are your plans in life?
- In case someone loves you, what will you do?
- Be comfortable. Show that you are always comfortable everytime you are together with him. Show that you can be trusted, especially when it comes to his secrets regarding his personality. That thing when even if he is just like this or that, you would not leave him or push him away. That even if he is like this or that, you will strive not to be awkward towards him.
Another example: He told you, “I had sex with other girls in the past…” Maybe, if you really love him, you will not go away due to that fact. And you should strive not to be awkward towards that guy because of that past event.
- Say something to him. Use your mouth. After following the advices mentioned, and still has no results, you can use this as a last resort. A popular saying tells that “if this can’t be moved with prayers, move it expeditiously.”
Just a word of warning, use this only when really necessary. Even if I recommend that you must tell your feelings to the guy, you must be careful too. Because words are powerful, be prepared on what will happen next. Be prepared on what he will say to you: If he likes you, no problem. If not, better luck next time.
Gal Must Not Be Shy Too
I want to emphasize this: If our culture tells you that a gal must not express her feelings, it does not mean that it must be followed. If our culture tells you that a gal must not express her feelings, it does not mean that it must be understood and followed literally. If our culture tells you that a gal must not express her feelings, it does not mean that a gal must be shy and just sit in a corner.
Why Tell Him?
Question: Why must she express her feelings to a guy?
- Let’s say you want A. But B courted you, and you don’t like him. If you tell that you want A, you are setting limitations between you and B. Because of this, B must not step beyond that limitation.
- Same example. At the same time, you are going beyond limitation between you and A, especially if both of you like each other.
- Because both had already expressed their feelings, wasted love due to love mismatch may be reduced.
Still A Filipina Maiden
Question: Now, you had told that a girl must speak up. Does this mean that she will not be called anymore as a “Filipina Maiden?”
No. Telling her feelings does not necessarily mean that she loses the right to be called a “Filipina Maiden.” Of course, even if she does this thing, she has to play hard on him (that is, a hard-to-get girl). She must let the guy do some efforts in courting her. And she must show to the guy that she’s not a girl to be beholden to anyone who wanted to grab her.
It is expected in the society that the guy will do the first moves. But girls must do the same too. They must also “grab” attention.
Even if the guy has responsibilites when it comes to courtship, the gal must be responsible too. It is not enough that the guy will just court and the gal will just sit down. Girls have also a major role in courtship, especially that both guys and gals are gradually recognized as equals when it comes to romantic relationships.
This topic is sensitive, but this article must be written. Writing these kind of articles is not a joke, but it must be done. In the end, thank you for investing time in reading this. Hope this article helps in saving the love for both boys and girls.
Featured Image Credit: Picture from ABS-CBNMobile via YouTube